stuck in reverse

my eyes stare out into a point into the darkness as countless sodium light fixtures streak across my face like stars, sometimes in clusters and sometimes one at a time. but none of it seems to penetrate my concentration, my thoughts.

being lost in the crowd. it's hard to accept the fact that i might not be as special, that i am often known only through the footsteps i've taken in public, the "titles" i've gained, my legacy but not really anything more. but even the smallest personal gifts shows that i'm still there. that people still pause and think about me. thank god i'm still here.

is it bad to live a perfectly good life with the wrong intentions? should i accept the fact that i might be wearing a mask over my feelings? unfortunately, people don't get what they deserve. and that's life.

if only someone would be able to turn on the lights on my dark situation.

is it mother nature's sewing machine?

berkeley, my home. i first started off on this adventure, chin up and eyes wide open (for my standards, that is.), less than 4 months ago. the long gone heat evokes memories seemingly so far away, as we are now wrapped up amongst the cold in coats and scarves to protect us from this abrupt chilly week. but i have to say, i'm glad i made it this far. it seems that so much occurs by chance, by the small supposedly meaningless decisions we make, but i'm so satisfied with how many trivial choices that i had made that allowed me to end up where i am, with who i've met. what if i hadn't met sophia the day before class? then how else would she have stopped me on the way to go ice blocking and have introduced me to mindy, who introduced me to stephanie and leilani? what if doug did eat with us at winterfest? what excuse would we have used to pie him in the face? what if elizabeth didn't transfer into my class? heck, how else would i have hated jaspreet if i hadn't gotten written up?! (i kid!). on a serious note though, looking back, i feel like i can congratulate myself with such a successful first semester. i really feel that berkeley offers me a place where i can belong, no matter what i am dealing with and no matter what spills out of my mouth after an intense work-out.


even though an eternity has passed by since we had first started the semester, college life is already moving by so quickly. three and a half more years of this torture/freedom. having this freedom and being in charge of the fun parts of life (with the occasional classes and homework and tests) while having parents take part in paying for it really gives you the opportunity to try out new avenues, be comfortable with what you want to do, and just striving to be yourself.

i really can't wait for the next semester. with such an even better schedule (starting later, ending earlier!) and new classes, what new friends will i meet this time? or what else will i learn about the ones i've already met? (i can finally check 'hear stephanie do a dog bark' off my list) (and i'm STILL looking forward to game-azing night that's forrealz!)



so for something to look forward to next time, i'll be making a new years resolution in a couple weeks, so stay in touch! i want everyone else to do this too in their next blogs as well! (i don't want to hear any of those "the fuck?"s, mindy!)

in retrospect, there seems to be only vain hope in the empty parking lot as she drives off into the distance, and i'm not even sure if she really returned. sometimes, i still don't know what i want anymore.




YEEOMP