stuck in reverse

my eyes stare out into a point into the darkness as countless sodium light fixtures streak across my face like stars, sometimes in clusters and sometimes one at a time. but none of it seems to penetrate my concentration, my thoughts.

being lost in the crowd. it's hard to accept the fact that i might not be as special, that i am often known only through the footsteps i've taken in public, the "titles" i've gained, my legacy but not really anything more. but even the smallest personal gifts shows that i'm still there. that people still pause and think about me. thank god i'm still here.

is it bad to live a perfectly good life with the wrong intentions? should i accept the fact that i might be wearing a mask over my feelings? unfortunately, people don't get what they deserve. and that's life.

if only someone would be able to turn on the lights on my dark situation.

is it mother nature's sewing machine?

berkeley, my home. i first started off on this adventure, chin up and eyes wide open (for my standards, that is.), less than 4 months ago. the long gone heat evokes memories seemingly so far away, as we are now wrapped up amongst the cold in coats and scarves to protect us from this abrupt chilly week. but i have to say, i'm glad i made it this far. it seems that so much occurs by chance, by the small supposedly meaningless decisions we make, but i'm so satisfied with how many trivial choices that i had made that allowed me to end up where i am, with who i've met. what if i hadn't met sophia the day before class? then how else would she have stopped me on the way to go ice blocking and have introduced me to mindy, who introduced me to stephanie and leilani? what if doug did eat with us at winterfest? what excuse would we have used to pie him in the face? what if elizabeth didn't transfer into my class? heck, how else would i have hated jaspreet if i hadn't gotten written up?! (i kid!). on a serious note though, looking back, i feel like i can congratulate myself with such a successful first semester. i really feel that berkeley offers me a place where i can belong, no matter what i am dealing with and no matter what spills out of my mouth after an intense work-out.


even though an eternity has passed by since we had first started the semester, college life is already moving by so quickly. three and a half more years of this torture/freedom. having this freedom and being in charge of the fun parts of life (with the occasional classes and homework and tests) while having parents take part in paying for it really gives you the opportunity to try out new avenues, be comfortable with what you want to do, and just striving to be yourself.

i really can't wait for the next semester. with such an even better schedule (starting later, ending earlier!) and new classes, what new friends will i meet this time? or what else will i learn about the ones i've already met? (i can finally check 'hear stephanie do a dog bark' off my list) (and i'm STILL looking forward to game-azing night that's forrealz!)



so for something to look forward to next time, i'll be making a new years resolution in a couple weeks, so stay in touch! i want everyone else to do this too in their next blogs as well! (i don't want to hear any of those "the fuck?"s, mindy!)

in retrospect, there seems to be only vain hope in the empty parking lot as she drives off into the distance, and i'm not even sure if she really returned. sometimes, i still don't know what i want anymore.




YEEOMP

so if you're lonely, you know i'm here waiting for you.

first time in my bed at home for more than a month, and i already miss my home at berkeley. but wait, so many friends to see, so many things to do, so much to catch up on! happy thanksgiving, but the real celebration comes tonight, with all the family and food! those potatoes mashed up, the pumpkin pie whipped with cream, the stuffing unstuffed, ahhh the goodness! and i'll finally be able to see all my aunts and uncles, the cousins big and small and smaller. i miss them! i hope i'm not the center of attention now that i'm a college boy..

things to get (generally prioritized?): digital slr camera ("eek!" with excitement and by looking at the prices), longboard, umbrella, ds cycloevolution card, shoes, acoustic guitar, pants, sunglasses.

yes, i got called out as a victim of blog chains, but unlike mindy here, i'm going to keep this at 16 facts, and this time, i'm passing it on to you, alex (asis). enjoy!

16 random facts about me:

1. i'm insecure about my future, afraid i won't find the "things i love with a passion," that i'll regret my job.

2. i'm shy, more of an introvert, but i love attention! ;) (hence, why i know how to play the guitar)

3. i've learned to live with masks so well that it's hard to show my true colors.

4. i'm afraid of being forgotten.

5. i love the feeling of looking through the viewfinder and hearing the click of the shutter as a piece of me gets recorded on the negative of film. (but digital works just as well!)

6. i tend to pick favorites

7. i don't really feel creative. i'm just really (really really) good at copying!

8. i hate bugs with a passion.

9. i have really good visual memory! so if i happen to remember you address or phone number, don't automatically think i'm a creep (though that may be part of it ;P)

10. people go to me for relationship advice, but looking back at my own love life, i'm not really sure why.

11. if i was able to change any physical aspect of me, i would have a super sexy, amazing singing voice on par with john mayer's as well as his super sexy, amazing guitar skills.

12. i'm relatively good at sight reading piano music, but i'd really wish i could play music on the spot.

13. i regret so much that has happened, thinking 'if only...'...

14. i'm a human sponge that soaks up all negative feelings and i've never really been angry (i.e. in a rage) at anyone since i was a small kid. sometimes, i wish i could explode.

15. if someone were to sing for me, i would go with you into the streets and play the guitar for money

16. i always listen

The Lights Go Out and I Can't Be Saved

3:55 says the clock on the glass cage. Amongst the Chili Up sign and the Fountain Cafe, the Crocker Galleria ticks away as life continues on outside. 2:28 says mine. ante meridium, that is (and yes, I looked on wikipedia). Why does time slip by so quickly? Did I really do much today? The days seem long and tiresome. The alarm clock rings, and I scavenge for a few more minutes of warmth in the sheets, but soon finding out that the pace of walking to class has gone from casual to painfully brisk. Long unproductiveness throughout the late hours of the afternoon, avoiding schoolwork, but the looming workload gives a slight sense of depression. The late-night dinners coupled with mocha chip ice cream and fake cheese makes my insides want to vomit. But it tastes so good. 2:35. Why do I waste time? Why not work on the music presentation that I haven't start that I am supposed to give in 12 hours? Why not work on the 24-point presentation for chemistry, finding the useless answers to the magic of dryer sheets? Why do I spend time doing the things I do? But the truth is, I am going to remember not the properties of cationic surfactants, not the obvious effects of music in film. I might look back on tonight and remember how silly we were, how room 312 yelled 'yeeomp' three hundred and twelve times, how we were laughing our heads off while having the pictures of Steve's party face tiled on all of our desktops. But at least I'll remember.

36 more hours before I head home, going back to old friends to talk about the new. Sometimes, I get scared, feeling that I'll lose a lot of my old friends, gradually losing contact, scared that the new friends I make might not mean much in the far future. But I think I've found a placed. The challenge of college, the months of separation show how we all still stick together, and after realizing that I have no idea where I am going with this after Stephanie just asked me what I was blogging about, I am going to end this sentence right here and now. 2:49.

Stream of consciousness. T.S. Eliot. My fan's whirring unusually loudly on my lap, and I need to get a digital slr and a tripod before the next semester, knowing that I am going to take a photography seminar and that I am going to be co-historian for the great and awesome VSA club, something I am for sure happy to be a part of (sad that a lot of cool people are leaveing :'[). I think egocentricism is becoming a larger part of my life, hungry for attention (guitar skills come in handy). always in mind ((((())))). This stream of consciousness thing is hard, and realizing that my mind's blank, I just start thinking about thinking about nothing. Sophia can't finish her essay, and Mindy needs to stop snoring. (i'm kidding! she isn't!). Before I leave, I'll need suggestions for what to write about next time. And since the last of the leminees is going to bed, so I will end my blag prematurely. 3:04.









yeeomp!