Sunday, August 16, 2009

fifteen steps then a sheer drop


have you ever glided across the lake in the morning? when the sun lingers near the horizon, scraping upwards for the sky. the water is a clean mirror, and the only blemish is the mark you yourself leave behind. but after the many hours and the many people that cross the lake throughout the day, don't you miss the smoothness of the surface when all you encounter now are the waves?

have you ever walked at night outside of the city, outside of the suburbs, where when you look up, you cannot find a piece of the dark sky unoccupied by stars? when you can see the glow of the milky way strewn across above you. and if you just keep staring upwards, you can feel its massiveness & scope that makes it so unreal but more real than the things happening around you. and when you stare upwards as you walk, how the sky does not move at all in relation to everything else, and you wonder how gigantic the universe actually is, why we're on such a little planet, how small our lives are in comparison to everything else, but how you still value every single little thing that's dear to you. the stars you look at are mere illusions, light that has traveled millions of years to trick our eyes. considering that, how can you tell what's really still there and what has passed away without our knowing?

Sunday, May 24, 2009

laugh about it


it's been a while since my heart was so rocked. this past year has been full of struggles & commitments, but what's there to regret? i never felt so much more at home. yet fortunately and unfortunately, the year had to end with 09's graduations. i never felt so many heart-felt soul-piercing mind-blowing words and tears. i sincerely know that all of the seniors i've met, especially those at SEAgrad, have changed my experience at berkeley. they've all changed my life. from uyennie's heart & norris's charm to jv's passion, to-trinh's inner strength, fong's good-humored wit & amiability. all of them are true inspirations. and for each and every one of them, when i gave them those final heart-filled hugs, nothing went through mind except "..when will be the next time i will see them? when's the next time i will see them with my own eyes and see them truly amaze me again and again?". when uyennie asked me to help move her furniture & belongings to her father's car, a part of me wanted to scream out "no! you're staying here!" during the final preparations for yesterday's performance, i just wanted to tell norris, "yo! you're not going back to texas, man!"

but seeing each and every one of them the last time, i know that they will continue to inspire people wherever they go. and that they'll continue to live within us and push us along no matter where they end up or whatever they end up doing. and knowing that, i was able to release those final hugs not with sadness but with a proud smile.

to all you seniors: keep on fulfilling your legacies. live on strong, continue to inspire, and know that there's still a home for all of you in berkeley and within each and every one of our hearts!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

the build-up


to hear the strings resonating beneath her fingers, her dextrous hands tuning the Ðàn tranh in the midst of her song. the mp4 files that we received in her email fails completely in comparison to hearing her music in person, live, with our own ears. to simply watch her play after years of practice, at least ten hours per day, was like admiring a masterpiece of art with both our eyes and with our hands.

i have to admit. the monsoon, our culture show, was one of the amazing opportunities that i have had throughout my whole life. but i have difficulty deciding what struck me more strongly. being able to express as calvsa our culture, lives, history, dedication, hardwork, our stories in that single, awe-inspiring night? or the three months of struggling, practicing, and planning to make the monsoon what it was, to make it what it is.

i definitely want to give a shout out to those who have poured their hearts into the show, the people not only in charge of the dances and planning, but also the people behind the scenes that made the show possible. and i definitely want to thank everyone there to support us, the people who have come to watch the monsoon unfold, the friends that faithfully waited alone at home while the many of us went out to hours of preparation into the night as late as 2am in the morning. for that, i'm eternally grateful :]

but yes, the opportunities to expand and learn so many things about myself, my friends, and the community. i'd have to say that the build up to our culture show was just amazing. being able to play alongside a vietnamese musician that is practically a celebrity made me feel so privileged. even while playing alongside her on stage, i still get mesmerized by her skill and precision with each and every instrument. joining sriracha being able to let loose and dance again along new and old friends made me feel proud of all of us, how much we improved not only individually but as a group. staying up until 2am on lower sproul refined our friendships as well as our set. working together for the dragon dance as well as performing not one but two culture shows across two different campuses was crazy. to jump onto the stage in stanford to play alongside thomas's apartment?! amazing!

it just seems that as the semester has gone by, i got to know more and more people. even though i don't have much time to just relax and sleep in anymore, bring a part of vsa and its culture show really brought the best out of me and my experience here at berkeley (besides maybe when my midterms take a hit..)

so i'm pretty much set for the year! my 4th paper is due on tuesday (my 2nd one on frankenstein..), finals in mid-may, trying to figure out my class schedule for fall, trying to avoid being homeless once summer starts....BUT NONETHELESS, my schedule won't be as clumped up as these past few weeks, so give me a call, stop by my dorm, let's have lunch, what about those summer movies coming out etc?!

so i'll hear from you soon, right?!
-alex

p.s. now i remember how much i love to dance.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

so take a look at me now. there's just a(n) _____ space.

the first new years celebration i've spent outside of home in years, the first new years i've spent after starting college. 1 minute. a group of us are sitting around the tv. i rush to the kitchen in order to briskly open a bottle of martinelli's with a ghetto bottle opener. 10. i run back to the tv to take a quick look. 8. i'm thinking "wait. the fucking bottle of apple juice is in the sink in the kitchen. 5. i run back, grab the cool glass of the bottle. 2. i take a quick look at the tv. 1. everyone's faces are filled with excitement! 0. HAPPY NEW YEAR! as i poured glasses of apple juice, i started thinking to myself that this was the first new year that i took seriously. i really felt accepted by those around me and those miles away, and i am grateful for that. i couldn't hold back the smile of having friends close by, even if they were making out as i almost offered them a glass. it just felt right, having a place in the world. so let's keep it that way.

so the following is a compilation of goals i'm setting for myself. and i want to ask a favor of you readers out there. make sure i do them! keep me in line! and for those that are close to me, tell me how i'm doing, make suggestions on how i should change, and just ask how i'm doing. please?


2009 resolutions:

•take on the new semester with fresh energy and an open mind!
-be willing to actually go to all my classes and learn!
-do my homework and studying early
-joining other clubs such as REACH and SASC.

•make new friendships and strengthen the old ones
-stay in touch with those far away
-occasional dinners with the bell bears
-visit friends at other colleges! (road trip?!)

•photography extravaganza!
-learn what i can from the seminar i'm taking!
-do my best as historian for vsa <3
-by night with the guidance of stars and electric lights!
-the friends i have and the life i share with them at berkeley :)
-learn the ins and outs of photoshop!

•the mission peak sunrise

•a day on the streets, guitar in hand, music ringing in the air

•san francisco by night

•if the opportunity ever arises (pray that it not), take the bullet for a friend, to live for others and not for myself, to not pull others down but hold them up.

•get an apartment with my friends, and cook for them!
-learn how to cook first before i kill them by food poisoning

•learn drums?! :D

•WORK OUT! for sure this time! (right, ryan? haha)

•be grateful with what i have and the people that are always there for me, to not take them for granted, to learn to love what i do and the people i'm with.

edit #1
•stop being egocentric

Thursday, December 25, 2008

stuck in reverse



my eyes stare out into a point into the darkness as countless sodium light fixtures streak across my face like stars, sometimes in clusters and sometimes one at a time. but none of it seems to penetrate my concentration, my thoughts.

being lost in the crowd. it's hard to accept the fact that i might not be as special, that i am often known only through the footsteps i've taken in public, the "titles" i've gained, my legacy but not really anything more. but even the smallest personal gifts shows that i'm still there. that people still pause and think about me. thank god i'm still here.

is it bad to live a perfectly good life with the wrong intentions? should i accept the fact that i might be wearing a mask over my feelings? unfortunately, people don't get what they deserve. and that's life.

if only someone would be able to turn on the lights on my dark situation.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

is it mother nature's sewing machine?

berkeley, my home. i first started off on this adventure, chin up and eyes wide open (for my standards, that is.), less than 4 months ago. the long gone heat evokes memories seemingly so far away, as we are now wrapped up amongst the cold in coats and scarves to protect us from this abrupt chilly week. but i have to say, i'm glad i made it this far. it seems that so much occurs by chance, by the small supposedly meaningless decisions we make, but i'm so satisfied with how many trivial choices that i had made that allowed me to end up where i am, with who i've met. what if i hadn't met sophia the day before class? then how else would she have stopped me on the way to go ice blocking and have introduced me to mindy, who introduced me to stephanie and leilani? what if doug did eat with us at winterfest? what excuse would we have used to pie him in the face? what if elizabeth didn't transfer into my class? heck, how else would i have hated jaspreet if i hadn't gotten written up?! (i kid!). on a serious note though, looking back, i feel like i can congratulate myself with such a successful first semester. i really feel that berkeley offers me a place where i can belong, no matter what i am dealing with and no matter what spills out of my mouth after an intense work-out.


even though an eternity has passed by since we had first started the semester, college life is already moving by so quickly. three and a half more years of this torture/freedom. having this freedom and being in charge of the fun parts of life (with the occasional classes and homework and tests) while having parents take part in paying for it really gives you the opportunity to try out new avenues, be comfortable with what you want to do, and just striving to be yourself.

i really can't wait for the next semester. with such an even better schedule (starting later, ending earlier!) and new classes, what new friends will i meet this time? or what else will i learn about the ones i've already met? (i can finally check 'hear stephanie do a dog bark' off my list) (and i'm STILL looking forward to game-azing night that's forrealz!)



so for something to look forward to next time, i'll be making a new years resolution in a couple weeks, so stay in touch! i want everyone else to do this too in their next blogs as well! (i don't want to hear any of those "the fuck?"s, mindy!)

in retrospect, there seems to be only vain hope in the empty parking lot as she drives off into the distance, and i'm not even sure if she really returned. sometimes, i still don't know what i want anymore.




YEEOMP

Thursday, November 27, 2008

so if you're lonely, you know i'm here waiting for you.

first time in my bed at home for more than a month, and i already miss my home at berkeley. but wait, so many friends to see, so many things to do, so much to catch up on! happy thanksgiving, but the real celebration comes tonight, with all the family and food! those potatoes mashed up, the pumpkin pie whipped with cream, the stuffing unstuffed, ahhh the goodness! and i'll finally be able to see all my aunts and uncles, the cousins big and small and smaller. i miss them! i hope i'm not the center of attention now that i'm a college boy..

things to get (generally prioritized?): digital slr camera ("eek!" with excitement and by looking at the prices), longboard, umbrella, ds cycloevolution card, shoes, acoustic guitar, pants, sunglasses.

yes, i got called out as a victim of blog chains, but unlike mindy here, i'm going to keep this at 16 facts, and this time, i'm passing it on to you, alex (asis). enjoy!

16 random facts about me:

1. i'm insecure about my future, afraid i won't find the "things i love with a passion," that i'll regret my job.

2. i'm shy, more of an introvert, but i love attention! ;) (hence, why i know how to play the guitar)

3. i've learned to live with masks so well that it's hard to show my true colors.

4. i'm afraid of being forgotten.

5. i love the feeling of looking through the viewfinder and hearing the click of the shutter as a piece of me gets recorded on the negative of film. (but digital works just as well!)

6. i tend to pick favorites

7. i don't really feel creative. i'm just really (really really) good at copying!

8. i hate bugs with a passion.

9. i have really good visual memory! so if i happen to remember you address or phone number, don't automatically think i'm a creep (though that may be part of it ;P)

10. people go to me for relationship advice, but looking back at my own love life, i'm not really sure why.

11. if i was able to change any physical aspect of me, i would have a super sexy, amazing singing voice on par with john mayer's as well as his super sexy, amazing guitar skills.

12. i'm relatively good at sight reading piano music, but i'd really wish i could play music on the spot.

13. i regret so much that has happened, thinking 'if only...'...

14. i'm a human sponge that soaks up all negative feelings and i've never really been angry (i.e. in a rage) at anyone since i was a small kid. sometimes, i wish i could explode.

15. if someone were to sing for me, i would go with you into the streets and play the guitar for money

16. i always listen